Crash and Burn
by Aisho Ren
Summary: Mouse is there when it all comes crashing down. Spoilers for 3X17: Forty-Caliber Bread Crumb.
He wasn't good. Mouse knew that he wasn't good. Jay would act like he was alright until the case, the mission was over. Then he'd crash and burn. Hard.

Mouse wasn't looking forward to it. But he was going to be there for Jay. It wasn't even a question. How could it be?

Of course it had hurt him when Jay refused to talk about that day in Kandahar. After all he'd always been there when Jay needed to talk. But he'd forgiven Jay almost the moment it happened. The bond they shared was too deep for him to do anything else.

So he watched. Waiting for the breakdown. It was the first time he'd ever truly wanted to be in the field. He trusted them to watch Jay's back most of the time. But they didn't know. Not like he did.

He's terrified that Jay will cross the line. It doesn't matter that the man is a murder. If Jay shoots someone in cold blood he'll never forgive himself. There won't be any going back.

When the team leaves his heart jumps into his throat and stays there. He's not sure if he believes in a God anymore. But he spends the entire time praying that Jay comes back to him in one piece. Don't let him do this. Please. He's already lost so much. Don't let him lose himself too.

It's not until Jay walks in with the suspect that he's able to breathe again. But there's still a darkness around Jay. Something worse than he's ever seen before. It's not over. It's never over. Like Afghanistan and Iraq it will always be there.

It's not fair. Jay has already been through so much. Why did he have to go through more?

* * *

Jay didn't know how long he sobbed on the bathroom floor. He sobbed until there were no more tears left. Too exhausted to move he sat there lost in the memories. Then he heard a voice frantically calling his name. "Mouse…"

His friend sounded terrified. Jay frowned and roused himself. Mouse needed him. Won't fail again. He won't fail another friend. "Mouse? What's wrong?"

Mouse sighed with relief. Jay looked terrible but he was okay. He hugged his friend tightly. He'd been so scared when Jay wasn't at his apartment. So many things had run through his mind.

Jay hugged Mouse back. "What is it? Are you okay?" He pushed away everything he was feeling. His friend needed him.

Even with everything he's going through he's worried about me. It wasn't surprising. Of course he was putting Mouse first. He shook his head. "No." I'm not okay. I need to help you. Please let me help you. I can't lose you.

Jay's face took on a determined expression. "Let's go." I'm gonna take care of you Buddy. He led Mouse out of the building intent on getting them home.

* * *

Jay settled Mouse on the couch. He was almost as jumpy as Mouse usually was. "What do you need? What can I do?"

Mouse took a deep breath. This was it. "Talk to me. Just please talk to me."

Jay frowned. "I don't understand."

The dam burst. "Talk to me about Terry. Talk to me about Kandahar. Talk to me about Andrews and Davis and Williams. Just fuckin talk to me. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep wondering if this will be the day it's too much. If I'll come and find you like they found Baker."

Jay's body had begun to shake at the mention of his lost friends. He gasped at Mouse's insinuation that he might…. "I wouldn't...I'd never…"

Mouse shook his head sadly. "I used to believe that. Now I don't know. You can't keep everything inside. It doesn't work. I know. I've tried." His eyes began to water and he scrubbed at them frantically.

He's crying. I made him cry. "Mouse….." Jay hugged his friend. "Don't cry. Please don't cry."

Mouse took Jay's face in his hands. "I cannot lose you. It would destroy me.

"I'm not strong enough." Jay confessed. If he goes down the rabbit hole he's never coming back.

"You are. You're so much stronger than you think you are." Mouse assured him. "I believe in you."

Jay buried his face is Mouse's chest and cried. I don't know how. Help me. Please help me.

Mouse heard what Jay wasn't saying. "I'm here. Just talk to me. Don't keep it inside."

And finally Jay did. He told Mouse everything. About the bodies of their friends that haunted him. About the voices that crept up telling him he didn't deserve this when he'd let them die. About being afraid to let go because if he did he might never stop.

And Mouse just held him and listened. Later he would assure Jay that he's done everything he could. He'd remind Jay of all the men he'd brought home safe including him. He'd remind of all the reasons he was a good person. But for now he just held him and listened.

"I don't know what I'd do without you." Jay confessed after he was finally all cried out. I need you. I don't deserve you but I need you.

"You never have to found out." Mouse promised. I'm not going anywhere. I'll always have your back.

Encouraged by the way Mouse was looking at him Jay leaned forward and pressed their lips together. It was shy and hesitant completely unlike him.Please…. He nearly sobbed with relief when Mouse began to kiss him back.

"I've got you. You're going to be okay." Mouse promised. And he believed it.

"I'll be okay." For the first time Jay believed it. Even if he crashed along the way someday he would be okay.


End file.
